… the anxiety that controls me, I shut down and don’t want the world around, I’m scared for myself, that I don’t suffocate, that I don’t lose control and that my thoughts and speech remain stable …

… pain that is both emotional and spiritual. the pain of feeling betrayed and betrayed keeps beating me, and now I don’t have a back to help me get out of the void that hurts and destroys me. here I will not talk about the pain of betrayal, because of parents, and here we will not talk about suicidal feelings and pain when you are alone.

… loyalty, I am (trying to) be loyal to those who are left with me, my boarding school colleagues, and those with whom I have spent the last 12 years. I try to help in any way I can and can’t, even though sometimes I feel taken advantage of, I’m angry but it doesn’t matter anymore….

… the realization that it is no longer worth it for me to hide behind the disease and be in its shadow. I know it’s a part of me, and I don’t deny it, but I want to be responsible for not who I am, but how I am…

there are so many emotions in my life that run like trains on the tracks of my brain, and sometimes, everything just explodes, but more on that for another time…