TW: Suicide.

as someone who has attempted suicide three times, I say this is neither brave nor a way to solve problems. now it seems to me that there are ways to solve problems, but I also have examples of how it does not solve problems.
I tried many times to poison the medicine, but someone always pulled me out of the loop, someone wanted my problems to be fixed.
the last time, was before the court, when my fate to live in freedom was decided, I was totally left with my thoughts and emotions that I could not deal with. my mother and father left me to deal with all this stuff in my head.
and I didn’t make it, even though the ambulance came, I showed my middle finger, and they came and left as soon as they arrived….
the box, my collected and untaken medicines, the far end of the forest and raspberry bushes….. the phone, and sms to friends as a way of saying goodbye, I knew I had to leave and this time everything would be over….

the medicine was taken and I didn’t dive into the purple fog, but then someone started calling me annoyingly (by the way, it was a person close to me) the first time I didn’t answer, the second time when the call became too annoying I answered it and when I remember those words through the fog.. .

ANDRIUS what are you doing?
and then the drugs started to leave my body and I recovered a little… recovered, I know I looked like a drunk, and my mother said that she was looking for me in the woods.
I remember how everything was resolved, and help came much later, when it was already easier for me, and my advice to you – do not leave your loved one alone, with his thoughts and emotions, listen very carefully and immediately seek or refer help to specialists….

it’s easy for me to talk about it, it’s just that my train of thought turned this way today.